i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
