Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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