New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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