so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
