So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
