i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
