There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
