chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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