I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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