bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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