Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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