I accidentally had phone sex last night
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
