Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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