This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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