he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
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It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
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Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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