I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
