i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
