I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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