I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
