I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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