ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
