I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
