Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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