I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
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Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
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Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
PANTIES FOUND
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