The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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