I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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