Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
