i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
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Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
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I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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