he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
