3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
