the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Is it penis luge time yet?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.