I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
