the condom got lost in my hair
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
