Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
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