Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
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I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
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He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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