put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
