Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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