It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.