I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.