your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever