I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
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He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We were destined to go to rehab together
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I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in