I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat