i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
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then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
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my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...