i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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