I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
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