I just threw up on my dentist
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.