u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie