Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
