i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
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his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
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i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...