she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.