Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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