Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
