somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
