If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
