I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
