being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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