Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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