Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
