...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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