Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
