I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
