this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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