Who did Billy Mays play for?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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